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What Christmas presents do politicians deserve? Kevin Maguire plays Santa Claus

 

Christmas is a time for families, celebrations, ref­lections and, of course, gifts. After a bad-tempered year in politics, the deserving and un-deserving are about to get what’s coming to them, as Santa Maguire hands out his Christmas presents to the good, the bad… and the ugly.

  • For Chris “Failing” Grayling a jamming device after the Transport Secretary dropped laws to control drones. Gatwick’s grounded holidaymakers join a long queue demanding he be toppled.
  • Jeremy Corbyn receives new lights for his bike and a map of Europe, to see that Brexit will cheat working families the most.
  • Hankies are in order for serial liar Boris Johnson. The windbag will be blubbing louder than Gwyneth Paltrow doing an acceptance speech when he realises his leadership hopes are over. Better make that a big pack.
  • Labour’s Emily Thornberry will enjoy a new joke book. The Tory-nator, who has seen off foreign secretaries, specialises in smutty tales. I’ll wrap it in brown paper.
  • A lie detector wired to the mains to give high-voltage shocks when porkies are told is ideal for Donald Trump. The US President’s electrified comb-over would be taller than his tales.
  • Preening Jeremy Hunt, a Foreign Secretary dreaming of succeeding May, would enjoy a travel mirror. And you’d need to be on drugs to go through Alice’s looking glass to imagine the Tory Scrooge – who brought the NHS to its knees – would be any good as PM.
  • There’s an M&S voucher for Labour deputy leader Tom Watson after he lost 100lb in a fitness drive. The culture vulture needs a new wardrobe after shrinking from political heavyweight to lightweight.
  • For Britain an honest Europe referendum and a general election to give us a decent Labour government. It can raise wages, build homes, revive public services and reform relations with our closest neighbours.
  • Sackcloth and ashes for Penny Mordaunt to wear on the night next month Channel 4 screens Brexit: The Uncivil War, a drama starring Benedict Cumberbatch. It will have the Tory Cabinet minister’s false claim in the referendum that millions of Turks could enter the UK if we stay in Europe – a reason she is called Penny Moribund in her Portsmouth constituency.
  • Emmanuel Macron could do with a gilet jaune. Wearing a yellow vest is the only way the French President can go about Paris without being abused. British centrists seeking a new party should take note.
  • All the fags he’s able to smoke and unlimited booze for Nigel Farage. Let the plastic patriot do to his health in 2019 what the Brextremist fraud is doing to our country.
  • Only a Tardis trip back to pre-2016 could cease the suffering of David Cameron, who knows he’ll be eternally damned as the worst PM since Neville Chamberlain, losing Europe on a tactical miscalculation. On second thoughts, let him rot in his £25,000 gypsy caravan.
  • I’ve a copy of Debrett’s A-Z of Modern Manners for toff Jacob Rees-Mogg for his “second-tier Canadian politician” jibe at Bank of England governor Mark Carney. Even a multi-millionaire Brextremist must appreciate manners cost nothing.
  • Labour’s 550,000 members yearn for sustained, sizeable poll leads so Corbyn is knocking on the door of No 10. With the Tories so revolting, the failure to match Tony Blair’s ratings before 1997 is worrying.
  • David Lammy, Tottenham’s bold MP, has earned a job on Corbyn’s frontbench. The Opposition is short of a wise man.
  • And, finally, the sack for vacuous Theresa May. Santa’s empty sack is a fitting gift for an austerity Grinch who confuses her personal and Tory political interests with the nation’s. Hopefully, her stocking won’t be hanging in Downing Street next December 24.

Merry Christmas!

 

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